I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
