So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
