btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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