I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
