Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
