I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
