I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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