Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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