the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
