He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
