I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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