peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
