I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
