You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
