that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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