the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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