do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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