It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
