Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Cover your peen. We're going out.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
