I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
