"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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