my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I love you. Go after that dick
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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