so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
