Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
