your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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