I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
