she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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