i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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