Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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