I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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