Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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