the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
