My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
