I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
