just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
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