Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
