Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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