I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
