You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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