Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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