I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
