Plan B is the new Plan A
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
