Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
