i can't believe i had my finger in that
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize