if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize