Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
