that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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