Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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