i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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