It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
3 2 1 whiskey
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
