My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Randomize
