Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Randomize
