I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
