we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I am naked and annoyed.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
