Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
