the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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