The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He uses pillows to masturbate.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
