look no pants
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Vodka?
Forever.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The uberlube is also flammable
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Drunk is not a location!
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
