The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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